Reviewing Reviews

Fun with Google book search.

2006-11-23T12:19:00.000-08:00

I read romance novels very, very occasionally. By that, I mean, "as rarely as possible." Occasionally I do end up with them anyway, usually because I think the premise sounds cool. The last one was a Sherrilyn Kenyon book with Greek mythology. It featured Biker!Cupid. How could I resist?

In the end, I wished that I had resisted. The book was terrible. The heroine was boring. The love interest was annoying. The phrase "taut nipple" was way overused.

So I looked it up on Google book search and got 450 results. Sherrilyn Kenyon isn't even original.

My favorite is this one, from Forbidden by Elizabeth Lowell:

“Aye,” Duncan groaned, brushing his mustache over one taut nipple. “And aye —he brushed again—”and aye, and aye one thousand times more!"

What is it with Scottish people and romance novels? Those rugged kitled men get all the action.

Veronica Mars

2006-11-06T17:49:00.000-08:00

I am inclined to think that any bad review of anything related to Veronica Mars has to have been written by an imbecile. I don't understand how anyone could watch the show and not find it just as brilliant and amazing as I do. I mean, I get the reasoning -- not everyone likes the same stuff, we are all unique people with unique tastes, differences make the world go around, all that jazz -- but I just can't wrap my mind around the idea. It's like trying to imagine how far away the Andromeda galazy is. You can't even begin to picture the size.

I retain a strict (well, strict-ish) policy of only mocking reviews that are truly dumb, rather than reviews that I just don't agree with. I am kind of breaking my own rule with this review, for the first season.

So let's pretend that I'm not mocking the review, but appreciating it. I feel that it needs to be appreciated for having the most artistic use of parentheses ever. Some samples:

Imagine how disappointed I was to discover that as the title of my review states the majority is not always right (I wouldn't want to go into the political implications of such an argument especially in democracies but the concept is very well known and accepted).

(this reflected badly on the main and supporting characters since what is the fun in watching a mystery that one figures out half way through the episode).

. . . once a show fails to grip its audience (through unpredictable and yet reasonable twists and turns) it ends up being a waste of ones time.

Perhaps someone was looking over the reviewer's shoulder yelling, "DAMN IT, M. SALMAN! YOU DON'T HAVE ANYWHERE NEAR ENOUGH OF THOSE FUNNY LITTLE CURVED LINES!" I can't come up with a logical explanation for any such situation, but I'm sure one exists. Maybe our imaginary parentheses Nazi is an aesthetics fachist who believes that a review without parentheses is doomed to hopeless hideousness.

Does that remind anyone of those weird spider things in Perdido Street Station? Since when have the Weavers been writing Amazon reviews?

This review makes me die a little inside:

This show is slow, ignorant, and doesn't deserve to stay on the air. I urge people to stay away from this show and watch good quality shows such as The O.C., One Tree Hill, Law and Order, or some other show that is worth watching. The only words that describe this show is TOTAL CRAP.

If you need me I'll be crying in my crying corner. Yes, I have a special crying corner. It gets a lot of use.

Some tidbits of general awesomeness:

2006-10-11T23:24:00.000-07:00

From OverheardInNewYork.com"

Guy: Hey, I'm lookin' for a book.
Lady behind the counter: Um, okay. Did you have any particular one in mind?
Guy, laughing: No. Hell no. I don't fuckin' read. I'm just lookin' for something I can take over to Central Park so I can get hit on by chicks who think I'm smart and shit.
Lady behind counter: Try Nietzsche.

I also have, as promised, an incredibly awesome Thomas moment. Of course, every Thomas moment is incredibly awesome. However, this one stands out.

From pg 323 of Jim Butcher's Death Masks:

Thomas put on an innocent expression. "Don't look at me. I'm a drunken. chemical-besotted playboy who does nothing but cavort, feed, and sleep. And even if I had the mind to take a bit of vengeance on the Red Court, I wouldn't have the backbone to actually stand up to anyone." He flashed me a radiant smile. "I'm totally harmless."

It's going to be a TV show on scifi and this excites me. The web page for the show is here. I'm a little worried because I can't find Thomas in the cast list, but he doesn't show up until the third book. Also, the picture of Harry makes him look really confused.

Here is a Neil Gaiman interview. Squeeeeee.

2006-10-11T19:21:00.000-07:00

On Dry:

Please: 'brutally honest', 'twisted humor', 'witty anecdotes'? These heavy words so lightly thrown could not screw the potential consumer more royally. People, do not use these terms so loosely, and irresponsibly! All anecdotes are Not clever and witty. All references concerning a lifestyle other than yours are not `Brutally Honest'. Mention of a alcohol abuse and homosexuality is not `Twisted Humor' I felt like a used condom after finishing this work that, which was, as often, hyped based on previous successes.
Evan Riley,
Austin, TX USA

He would be from Texas.

Also, although Mr. Riley has observed that alcohol abuse is mentioned, he has failed to notice the incredibly noticeable fact that the entire book is about alcohol abuse. I could make more dumb Texan jokes here, but I won't. I don't want to get shot.

I love the cover of this book. It is so impossibly cool-looking.

Why did you read the book in the first place?

2006-10-11T18:23:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while, you come across a review of a book that makes you wonder why the person read the book in the first place. People who think fantasy promotes witchcraft shouldn't read Harry Potter. People who think homosexuality is immoral shouldn't read Augusten Burroughs. People who hate Jenna Jameson shouldn't read her memoir.

On How To Make Love Like A Porn Star:

I have no love for this woman or her work.

Jenna Jameson has not only accepted the mass media accolades for yet another hollow idol, she has exploited it, helping to delude hundreds of young women into a world of pornography and prostitution.

As a porn performer Jenna has also set back race relations in an industry already a bastion of redneck, crakkka bigotry.

[Some examples of how racist Jenna Jameson is.]

Jenna Jameson cares only for Jenna Jameson and nobody else. She is a mercenary.
Another bull-dyked, bleached-blonde, faketitted, flatbacked white trash bimbo who is readily available for the redneck and college fratboy element to abuse themselves in front of the tv and computer screen.

Because Jenna's fans are going to be so dissuaded from buying the book by someone who refers to masturbation as "abuse."

I really don't like book reviews from people who haven't read the book. Jenna Jameson may or may not be racist -- from what I've heard, I suspect that she is -- but book reviews are supposed to review the book. At least read the first couple chapters before you go bitching on Amazon. Then you can complain about the racism and the tortured prose.

This one is special for the grammar:

When I first started reading it, I was thinking maybe this will give me an insight on how someone gets into Porn, What makes someone wake up and say today I'm going to belittle myself.She starts off talking about her childhood how she hang with bikers and how she was raped once by this man Preacher and then later on you learn she was gang raped. This book doesn't make you feel anything, it's worthless! The title may get U but don't waste your money! The first couple of chapers which aren't alot you'll start to get a little "interested" but U really come to find how boring this book is! VERY BORING!
I can sum this book up....
White girl gets rape, White girl uses her body to strip, White girl boyfriend cheats, white girl gets revenge and becomes porn star!...(Sad revenge)
Nothing tells U much about this book at all..(...)
I repeat! Don't waste Ur money it's pure garbage!
I don't walk away from this book with anything!
I just feel something really is wrong with this twisted girl who had low selfessm and had no smart bone in her body to improve her life other then a pole or by porn!
This book lack interest! Time U get to the middle of the book...U'll be so LOST! It's stupid!
I could care less about her Diary..or her sex life!
This book didn't get to base how U can be pure and end up so disturded! It's junk!
This book needs a new title...How to get High Selfessm!
(...)

Those (...)'s aren't mine, by the way. The reviewer put them in herself, although I can't imagine why.

I am most amusted by the repeated reference to selfessm. Once in a while your mouse slips and deletes odd things and you type a little oddly end up with weird stuff. She uses "selfessm" twice, which suggests that it's on purpose. Which suggests that she actually thinks that "self esteem" is spelled "selfessm." Which is really, really funny and really, really sad at the same time.

The weird capitalization is also worth a giggle or three.

The emphasis on how white Jameson is is also kind of funny. I bet that "Lisa" meant to say something about racism but never really got around to it.

This one wins for sheer Why-The-Fuck-Did-You-Pick-Up-This-Book-ness:

That is the only way I can describe the phenomenon of a porn skank actually putting sentences together. Yeah she did have help but believe me it didn't improve this book any. She totally tries to justify the fact that she is a porn star, as if that would make it any better. Just admit it, you are a two-bit skank who can't do any better. Admit it!!! You'll feel better. She is the green-eyed monster of envy when it comes to REAL actresses or models, you can see it in the way she tries to babble on that Cindy Crawford actually came on to her. What would a gorgeous woman like Ms. Crawford want with a plastic looking floozy like Jenna Jameson? Not a thing. But she tries to make us believe that as well as a lot of other BS in this book. Don't go there.

Floozy is a really awesome word.

PC much?

2006-10-11T17:56:00.000-07:00

Someone's a bit over-sensitive.

After reading all of the other Dresden Files I had looked forward to this one. Up until the end I was not disapponted but then the comment by a character that Jews were responsible for Jesus's death really upset me. This statement although not anti-semetic in itself has been used as a justification for the last 2 millenia to kill and persecute. To put this remark in a 21st century novel is certainly quite provocative if not down right irresponsible. Literary licence aside this could have easily been avoided. I wonder why it wasn't?

"Statements that have been used as excuses for bad things are inherantly evil!!!111

If Harry Dresden were running around yelling that Jews are evil and that Jewish people smell funny, s/he'd have a case, but the reviewer even admits that the statement isn't actually anti-semetic. Leave Harry alone and go yell at your mum for telling her friend about what you said to your little sister. Some parents might beat their kids for that. Your mum is an irresponsible ho.

The book in question is Death Masks, by Jim Butcher. It features the best Thomas moment yet. I am such a Thomas fangirl. It's kind of sad. I'll post the quote when I find the book.

Yes, the name is different.

2006-09-17T19:26:00.000-07:00

Yes, it is.

There are an awful lot of very general book blogs out there, and almost all of those bloggers are better at it than I am. And so I've decided to be a bit more specific. I've been doing nothing but reviewing reviews for the last couple weeks, and I like it. From now on, this blog will focus on hunting down stupid reviews.

Of course, you can still expect me to regularly plug my favorite authors and post cool links and such.

Coraline

2006-09-17T15:55:00.000-07:00

On Coraline:

This book was assigned to my 8-year-old at school, and I decided to read it myself after he said he was afraid to look at it when he was alone.
Even as an adult, I was pretty creeped out by the demon-mother character, and it was completely inappropriate for a second-grader.
I think it borders on abusive to give this book to any child younger than 10 or 11.

I know the book is creepy. I'm in high school and I have a friend who couldn't get through it because it scared her so much. If I were in charge of such things, I probably wouldn't assign it as school reading because it is frightening.

But it's not inappropriate, nor is it abusive. Your kid can't cope with it, but that doesn't mean that all the other kids are terrified of it.

This one is mostly amusing for the odd spelling:

This book is prity cool it gets you interested .It is a funny book this is what it is about. It is adout a littol girl named corilin she lost her mom and dad and she whent to go find them and she got lost in another world. and then she meets a creepy girl that thinks she is her mom. so the girl acts like she is here mom and she tris to mack the girl like her. i didnt like the book but i think you will like it.

Okay, you're not the best speller. But misspelling the main characters name? Particularly when said name is the title of the book? And spelled exactly like it sound?

I'm not even going to get into how little this review seems to have understood the actual story.

Also, although I disagree with the reviewer's sentiment, I do think that this may be the most awesome review title ever:

If Garth Nix Smoked Crack, This Would Be the Result

If you haven't already read Coraline, you should. Unless you scare easily, in which case, don't. It's Neil Gaiman, and thus brillianly creepy.

There's a movie coming out. I hope it's good. The poster looks completely wrong, but apparently it's just conceptual art and the movie is going to be done in stop motion.

When Racists Review

2006-09-10T17:03:00.000-07:00

I stumbled across this appalling review of Veronica Mars on netflix:

Standard Zionest formula. Cutie pie Jewish Princess and Sweet Daddy solve crimes. Targeted at the high school demographic (the most programmable and impressionable age) the show promotes and pedestalizes Blacks, accepts the Hispanic gang presence as cool and outright denegrates the Irish race. Scattered, pointless writing worked around the major premise with snotty-valley-girl coolness to make it hip to teenagers. What a waste of air time!

Nazis shouldn't be allowed to review things.

2006-09-10T12:08:00.000-07:00

Nothing quite revives my faith in humanity like a stupid review being rated as wildly unhelpful. I found this review on Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West:

I rate this book so low because of the vulgar topics reviewed in the book. Topics involving things that should never be written about. I do not recommend this book to anyone who uphold high morals of language and propriety.

Four out of fifty-eight people found the review helpful. Take that, frightening person.

Was a little less cheered by this when I realized that not everyone takes the helpfulness ratings on their amazon reviews to heart as much as I do.

Alice in Wonderland, Deluxe Edition

2006-09-09T22:28:00.000-07:00

Reviews found on Lewis Carroll: The Complete, Fully Illustrated Works, Deluxe Edition:

I rate Alice in Wonderland a 3 star rating. The author is very creative in this novel; she uses the literary element personifications through out the whole book. She does a very good job with this by how she portrays the character in the book, (ex: the Queen as a snob)

This person actually thinks that Lewis Carroll is female. How is Lewis a girl's name? Also, how does one possibly go through life without ever running across the fact that Alice in Wonderland was written by a man?

Here's a review that I'm pretty certain was written by a second grader. The underlining is mine.

I reviewd this story as an interesting use of the authors imagination, also the way Lewis Carroll had a great ideas for characters for example : the Mad Hatter, the Weeping Turtle, the Diabolical Queen of Hearts , Cheshire the Cat, Tweedledum, Tweedle, and the Dutchess. All these characters were so interesting because I have never heard things like that berfore and thins like "Alice" drowning in her own puddle of tears.These things you don't see in a typical girl's dream basically all that's in a typical girls dream is flowers, playing with their dolls ,and girly stuff like that. This story also tells about how dreams can come true to you but not existing to no one else but you'r self . This story has affected me by looking inside me and others to see how we are in several ways in the dreams that we have . The writer is giving a message on how dreams can come true no matter what will happen. But other than that I liked this story it was very interesting.

You can tell it's a second grader because no one does sexism quite like small children.

Also, I like the quote marks around "Alice." The reviewer seems to be suspicious of her. "Alice" is not who you think she is!

I've saved the best for last, and it's stupidity best digested in chunks.

I think the book Alice in Wonderland is a very good book. While it can be confusing at times, it makes you wonder. For example, when they were talking to the turtle, it didn't make very much sense. Also, the trial over the pastries, it was very idiotic, and if that trial happened today it would get thrown out.

No, it wouldn't. The Queen's lawyers would tell the jury that the Mad Hatter kicks his dog and the Mad Hatter would have to pay Her Majesty $10,000 in damages.

Faith in the system is for naïve idiots and amazon reviewers.

The author's use of language was very unlike our language today. For example, when she said so many times the words, " shot up", it sounds English or something. The book has this tone a lot throughout it. Maybe the author has English back round.

There is absolutely no snide comment I could possibly make that could improve those four sentences.

The main character is Alice. At sometimes she can seem clueless, and go on rambling like while talking with the turtle. She even pointed it out her-self. A lot of her decisions during the book make no sense.

Neither does your decision to hyphenate "herself" but you don't hear me bitching about it on Amazon, do you?

The review also contains these gems:

But it was in very easy to understand language, accept for the times people were talking non-sense.

There was many times where she confused me sometimes.

One thing of the book I did not understand was the theme.

The cat that kept disappearing and appearing even asked her why did she need directions to somewhere, if she didn't know where she was going.

That may have been my favorite dumb review EVER.

2006-09-09T16:50:00.000-07:00

A review of Harriet the Spy:

I LOVED reading Harriet the spy!!!! The prop. wuz im one of those people who get ideas from books.So I have 3 notebooks
I started this year. I took the first one 2 skool and my
teacher took it @ study hall. I HAD SORTA MEAN THINGS IN MY NOTEBOOK!!! and SHE READ THEM ALLL!!!!!!!!!!!! And wuz VERY
mad @ me. I`m gonna start a notebook nxt year or summer :)))

This is the kind of dumb kid the religious right is always worrying about. STOP GIVING JERRY FALLWELL AMMUNITION, YOU IRRITATING BRAT!

Stu-loving

2006-09-08T15:37:00.000-07:00

In a review of Fool Moon:

I'm sensing a new trend of intentionally semi-competent heroes. This and Dead Witch Walking are my only indications, so I could be wrong.

Take Harry Dresden, Freelance Wizard. He screws up. A lot. Not necessarily terrible mistakes, but little slips. But people often die from these mistakes. Being fallible makes Harry more human, but it's asking a lot of me to look the other way as innocent victims are offered up on the sacrificial altar of our hero's character development. Halfway through this book I wanted someone to take over for Harry. Someone who could work toward a solution instead of stumbling his way through.

?????

Writers who don't let their heroes make mistakes bother me. If Harry Dresden were perfect, I would have stopped reading the books long ago. I like that he fucks up and I like that his mistakes cause serious problems. The lovely thing about fiction is that you can sacrifice as many innocent victims as you need too and no real people get hurt.

Also, it's difficult to believe that Harry, even the SuperSpeshul!Harry that this reader would prefer, could manage to save everyone. The book features a bunch of killer werewolves. Killer werewolves are not easy to deal with.

I've had to accept that that some people actually like Sues and Stus. They like reading about completely perfect characters. They enjoy reading flowery descriptions of flawless complexions and can happily accept ridiculously high IQ scores. These are the people who have made Eragon and books like it so obnoxiously popular.

Sigh.

Unhelpful reviews.

2006-09-07T20:14:00.000-07:00

Amazon is practically made for stupid review hunting. It lets you read reviews in order starting with the least helpful.

I'm about 350 pages into the book and I must say the story line is very interesting.

Impressive, except for the fact that the book in question (Susanna Clarke's incredibly awesome masterpiece, Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell) is more than 1000 pages long. Would it kill you to wait at least until the halfway point?

When valley girls review.

2006-09-07T19:13:00.000-07:00

This review was found on the page for Wolf Tower.

The only thing you really need to know to appreciate the stupid is that Wolf Tower is the first book in Claidi Journals series and that this is clearly stated at the top of the amazon page. Considering the story, there's almost no way you could read Wolf Tower and think that it came after any of the other books in the series.

My theory is that this girl has mixed up the titles, and is actually attempting to review Wolf Star.

I absolutely loved the first book and was dying for Wolf Tower, the sequel. Well it was definitely a disappointment. I felt like it was dragged out and fairly boring. Claidi's adventures were pretty uneventful although i'm still looking forward to Wolf Queen, the 3rd book because the ending of the 2nd one is such a CLIFF HANGER!! i dont know why everybody else loved Wolf Tower so much although i guess some parts are pretty interesting and i like the way tanith lee writes! and my sister totally agrees.

I can, like, totally picture this being read by a TOTAL valley girl who's, like, chewing gum and twirling her hair and stuff.

WTF?

2006-09-07T17:06:00.000-07:00

While poking around for other people's opinions of Howl's Moving Castle, I came across this entry. It's a kind of interesting list of things to look for when reading, until you get to point five, where the WTF kicks in.

5. I try to read for...I guess you could call them themes, although I know there's a fancy theory word for them. For example, Howl's Moving Castle--one of the things that the plot does is to restore patriarchy and heterosexuality. Initially, Sophie's family is all single women, the financially irresponsible father dead. All are engaged or married by the end of the book. Howl, Michael and Calcifer live in an incomplete "male" world...a world riskily suggestive of homosexuality, a world of self-indulgence, pleasure-seeking, cowardice, fancy snacks, insecurity and bad temper.

At story's end, all are ensconced in a cozier, cleaner, nicer and more sentimental world, their heterosexuality intact. The witch and her female fire demon are dead. Calcifer, the fire demon who had lived on Howl's heart, is now free of that dangerously homosexual tie. True, it's a NICE heterosexuality that's restored, unlike the unpleasant bourgeois/conventional world of Howl's sister, the world he fled from. You could say, in fact, that the bad heterosexuality/bourgeouis-ness of his birth family threatens to push Howl into unstable homosexuality, from whence he is rescued by the Love of a Good Woman, herself rescued by her love from Feminine Incompleteness.

What. The. Fuck.

Maybe I'm not being fair. In fact, I'm pretty certain that I'm not being fair. Off the top of my head, I can't think of much that contradicts this theory.

The occasionally irritating thing about my review habit is that I do read reviews that point out flaws in books that I love. This isn't a problem by itself, except when it spoils the book for me. The flaws start to stick out like an assortment of very sore thumbs and I can't concentrate on the enjoying the book.

Will I ever be able to read another Diana Wynne Jones book without thinking in terms of sexual orientation?

Stick to your own gender/sexual orientation!

2006-09-06T00:07:00.000-07:00

On a review of Swordspoint:

And at the risk of being accused of being sexist, I propose that
female authors should not attempt to describe the feelings and actions of gay male characters.

You're risking being accused of being sexist because, unless you're really, really dumb, you are sexist.

By that logic, lesbians can't write heterosexual males, gay men can't write straight girls, and heterosexual men can't write gay female characters. Which is stupid.

And if you're not suggesting that, then you're saying something rather nasty about heterosexual woman, and you are sexist.

You may not like the way Ellen Kushner writes gay men. However, there are a crapload of straight girls on this planet, and saying that none of them can possibly write realistically about homosexual males is a hell of a generalisation.

Bible-thumper dislikes Harriet the Spy

2006-09-05T19:59:00.000-07:00

I remember loving Harriet the Spy as a kid. Lucky me for having normal non-crazy parents who didn't freak out because the characters weren't all that nice.

This book is devoid of all morals. I encourage all parents to encourage your children to read really good children's literature, the BIBLE and forgo this trash. All of the characters are mean, and unlikable. I especially abhor the part when Harriet hangs the fetal pig in the school's stairwell. I homeschool all of our 7 children, and I read everything that I assign them to read. I couln't get past the first chapter of this book before I was ready to throw up in disgust.

There is so much wrong with this review that I don't know quite where to start.

1) The Bible as children's literature. Considering that the bible teaches children that it's okay to kill the children of people who are mean to you and that girls who get raped should marry their rapists, I'm not sure I'd recommend it for adults.

2) Seven kids. SEVEN KIDS. SEVEN FUCKING KIDS.

3) Fetal pig hate is not cool, mmmkay?

Why do people like boring characters?

2006-09-05T19:36:00.000-07:00

While hunting for today's stupid book review, I stumbled onto the Howl's Moving Castle page and was shocked.

There was none of the charm and charisma of the movie, and the characters did not interact as well as they could have. Instead of being warm and inviting and protective of Sophie, Howl was a cold, distant playboy who took an instant dislike to the old woman and who spent most of his time chasing women

Then there was a review with this title:

HOWL IS SLIMY AND MEAN

WHAT??!!??

Howl is easily one of my favorite characters of all time. One of these days, I am going to make a list and he is going to be at the top of it, because he is SO MUCH FUN. He's delicious because of his flaws. Yes, he's a playboy. Yes, he's selfish. Yes, he's vain. And all that and more makes him fun to read about.

Some people just don't appreciate well-rounded characters.

(When I started mocking stupid reviews, I promised myself that I'd never mock a review just because I didn't agree with it. Oops.)

And today's idiot book review is . . .

2006-09-04T16:00:00.000-07:00

This little gem was found on the amazon.co.uk page for Belle de Jour: The Intimate Adventures of a London Call Girl.

I was shocked and horrified with this book. It was nothing but a pornographic description of impossible sexual acts and a psyche that to me appeared very sick. I believe that such books should carry a warning - I was planning to give it to my daughter to read aiming to shock her and show her how women chosing this kind of work face dilemmas etc. I was glad I read it first. This was a money making book most probably written by a man as the fantasies enacted cannot be female. What a waste of money and time this book was.

What was that title again?

This time I'll bold the bits that indicate that the book may contain sex.

Belle de Jour: The Intimate Adventures of a London Call Girl.

The only not-suggestive words are articles and prepositions, and even those are looking kind of slutty.

Our reviewer probably shouldn't even bother trying to make sure her daughter doesn't read anything naughty. She's so thick that her daughter can probably leave her copy Best American Erotica in plain view and claim that she's reading it for Sunday School.

(Also, am I the only one kind of offended by the assertation that the fantasies enacted cannot be female? Because I've read the book, and I didn't see anything that struck me as a boys-only. This particular idiot isn't the only one on the page to claim that Belle must be male based on the various sex acts contained in the book.)

Dumb Amazon reviews.

2006-09-03T13:58:00.000-07:00

The other day, while doing the linkage for the meme in the last entry, I stumbled across this review for Eragon, and it almost made me not want to kill Christopher Paolini:

Aside from the common criticism that Eragon's plot is taken practically scene for scene from Star Wars IV, it's important to mention that, while this series is aimed at kids, it's not really appropriate for kids. The first book is mostly tame except for a murdered baby and a hint at attempted rape. But I stopped halfway through the second one. Here's why:

1. Eragon's teacher presents stupid philosophical ideas such
- logic is more important than morality
- there is no existence beyond death
- humans are not essentially different from other animals
- marriage and chastity are not really important

2. Along the lines of that chastity point, there's an implied sexual encounter and - this is where I stopped reading - Eragon gets healed by a wound by watching two girls dance while wearing nothing but a tatoo.

The second book was also much slower than the first. So, while the first book really is basically okay, I'd avoid it because it's not satisfying by itself and the sequel isn't worth reading.

There are so many dumb things about this review that I can't decide which is the worst. First, there's the fact that the review is on the page for the first book, when it's almost entirely a review of Eldest. Second, there's the fact that after reading book number one s/he went on on to read the second book. Even I wasn't that stupid.

Although, considering this, maybe I stopped too early.

Nah.

I'm actually kind of addicted to stupid reviews. I go to the amazon.com pages of books that I know are going to attract bible thumpers and/or drooling idiots for the sole purpose of finding something to snark at.

Meme snagged from Confessions of a Bibliovore.

2006-09-02T14:13:00.000-07:00

One book that changed your life

I kind of suck at introspection, which eans that I have a really hard time pinpointing books that changed my life. I usually point to books that affected me as a writer, such as American Gods or the His Dark Materials trilogy. The books that really affected me the most are probably the countless mythology books my parents read to me when I was tiny that hooked me on books in general and fantasy in particular.

The embarassing part about this is that the book that I think really did change my life isn't actually that good: Virtual Mode, by Piers Anthony, because at the time that I read it I was going through some kind of similar stuff.

One book you have read more than once

So, so, soooooo many. I'm a compulsive rereader. I've read Neil Gaiman's American Gods four times in the space of about a year and a half.

One book you would want on a desert island

Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell, by Susanna Clarke, because it's long enough to keep me entertained until I either die of dehydration or am rescued.

One book that made you laugh

The Truth, by Terry Pratchett. I love all the Discworld books, but this one is special.

One book that made you cry

I almost never cry over books. At most, I get a little weepy. The afore-mentioned American Gods regularly has this effect on me.

The last book I seriously bawled over was some horse book I read when I was sevenish.

One book you wish had been written

I would kill for a fourth Keeper's Chronicles book.

One book you wish had never been written

Eragon, by Christopher Paolini. There have been other obnoxious books, but this one is particularly obnoxious because it is SO FUCKING POPULAR.

One book you are currently reading

Summer Knight, by Jim Butcher. It's the forth book in the series. I got hooked on the Dresden Files through downloading the audiobooks read by James Marsters.

One book you've been meaning to read

How Are The Mighty Fallen, by Thomas Burnett Swann. It's this crazy slashy book from the seventies that I've been meaning to read for a while, and now I have it in my clutches. I'm going to read it as soon as I'm done with Summer Knight.

2006-08-13T06:08:00.000-07:00

This is the most useful thing ever.

I just finished reading Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrel. It is amazing and you all should run and read it.

Don't read this book.

2006-08-04T02:52:00.000-07:00

My last review took time and effort and thought. It may not show, so you'll have to take my word for it.

This review is a rant.

Smell, by Radhika Jha, is a crappy novel.

Caution: I'm going to spoil the crap out of this book, so if you want to read it despite it's crapness, you may want to stop reading.

It starts off well, but don't be fooled. The beginning may be well-written and well-characterised, but the good stuff ends with part one.

Leela is an Indian girl, born and raised in Kenya. When her father is killed, her mother and her brothers move to London, and she goes to live with relatives in Paris, where she becomes and amazing cook. She's not happy with them, and eventually gets kicked out. And then the book starts to suck.

Leela drifts from romance to romance. Men love her because she's beautiful and exotic. She sits around immersed in her own self-pity and is boring.

Show Don't Tell is one of those bits of advice that every writer gets. When I stumble across an author who abuses it by taking 100 pages of atmosphere to get to the plot, I curse the name of whoever came up with Show Don't Tell. Smell made me remember just why Show Don't Tell is so important.

Leela tells us that she's in love with Olivier, but we don't feel it. After the scene where they get together after she leaves Phillippe, he's barely mentioned at all. Leela tells us that she's become the 'fusion-food queen' and is in the society pages, but we don't hear anymore about it.

Phillippe has potential to be an interesting character. He's certainly more complicated than all the other characters in the book. Unfortunately the book has already deteriorated by the time he shows up.

Contrived romance, a flat, boring heroine, and some incredibly bad writing. Avoid this book.

Mammon Inc.

2006-07-28T03:54:00.000-07:00

I picked up Mammon Inc in a used bookshop in Paris and read it very quickly.

Chiah Deng is an Oxford-educated Singaporean girl trying to figure out what to do with her life after college. She gets recruited by Mammon Inc., the largest corporate entity in the world. They want her to be an adapter and teach people how to adapt to different cultures. Before getting the job, she has to pass three difficult tests. She must infilterate an exclusive party, she must turn her sister into a wealthy English girl, and she must turn her flatmate Steve into a Singaporean.

Chiah Deng has never fit in anywhere, and the book deals with her trying to find a place in the world as well as get the job.

This book may have the best first line ever. Ever. The plot sounded interesting, but I bought the book based entirely on the first sentence.

The author's writing style is engaging and often very funny. A good writing style can save a mediocre book. It certainly helps this one, even if it doesn't actually save it.

There's some great banter between Chiah and Steve.

Hwee Hwee Tan tries to set Mammon Inc up as the serpent in the garden of Eden, but she doesn't quite succeed. For one thing, the people cautioning Chiah Deng against taking the job come off as selfish, superstition, and naive.

Chiah Deng's mentor, Professor Ad-oy, wants her to work as his research assistant studying the Christian mystics. The job would require Chiah to take a second job just to cover her living expenses. One of his reasons for not taking the job is that Mammon's logo is the symbol of Satan.

Tock Seng, Chiah's ex-boyfriend, also tries to convince her. Tock Seng is a smuggler who travels the world, and he wants Chiah Deng to forget about Mammon and come with him.

Tock Seng is a bit of a problem. He doesn't ever get fleshed out, and we don't understand why he and Chiah ended up as an item for six years. At the time the book takes place and in the flashbacks, he comes off as ridiculously idealistic.

At one point in the book, Chiah Deng has a vision of Jesus and decides to convert to Christianity. The religious theme just doesn't work, and is never resolved. I don't know Hwee Hwee Tan's religious beliefs -- she may have been using religion as a perfectly legitimate plot point -- but it comes off as a little preachy.

One of the small but annoying things about the book is that Hwee Hwee Tan cannot seem to keep track of her own story. There are small contradictions -- the number of pages in Generation Vexed magazine changes from 666 to three hundred and something -- and larger, more jarring ones. In the beginning of the chapter about Chiah Deng's break up with Tock Seng, she states that they broke up on the day of his birthday. At the end of the chapter, we find out that they actually broke up a week later.

There's a lot of hit-you-over-the-head symbolism with the names. There is actually a character named Draco Sidious. His secretary is called Sith. Subtle this is not.

The author is trying to show the differences between East and West, but the Singaporean characters in particular come off as over the top. I haven't spent much time in Singapore or London, but after poking around at other reviews by people who have, I can confidently state that Chiah Deng's family suffers from some nasty stereotyping.

Mammon Inc is a quickie read with good and bad points. if you have a high tolerance for didactism, you'll probably be able to enjoy it just fine.

Here's someone who REALLY hated it.

This girl hates it too.

This person loves it.

No, I haven't forgotten you.

2006-07-21T06:05:00.000-07:00

I'm in Neuchatel, Switzerland. I won't be getting home until August 30. I'm learning French.

I've done quite a bit of reading. The trip is nine weeks long all together, so library books were out of the question. I brought the books I had lying around but never read. I also ordered some books, but I left it too late and went before they arrived.

I finally read China Miéville's Perdido Street Station and liked it a lot. I love the way he blends genres. There's steampunk, horror, fantasy, sci fi, film noir . . . the list goes on. It's a depressing read, though.

Also read Imajica, by Clive Barker. Wasn't too fond of it. It was longer than it had to be. I haven't read much Clive Barker, but he has this bizarre habit of writing false endings into the middle of books. He did it with Weaveworld and he did it with the Abarat books.

Very useful LJ community.

2006-06-15T15:51:00.000-07:00

This community is the best thing ever. It's a file-sharing comm for audiobooks. I've already downloaded (and stayed up most of the night listening to) Storm Front and am currently downloading the sequel.

You have to join to see the posts, so you might want to get an livejournal account.

I'm still squeeing over the fact that they have American Gods.

2006-06-02T14:15:00.000-07:00

I'm rereading my copy of The Annotated Alice. I do this at least once a year, usually at the beginning of summer.

I'd forgotten how much I like Martin Gardner's annotations. Besides explaining the jokes, he makes a few himself:

[The Queen of Hearts'] constant orders for beheadings are shocking to those modern critics of children's literature who feel that juvenile fiction should be free of all violence and especially violence with Freudian undertones. Even the Oz books of L. Frank Baum, so singularly free of the horrors to be found in Grimm and Anderson contain many scenes of decapitation. As far as I know, there have been no empirical studies of how children react to such scenes and what harm if any is done to their psyche. My guess is that the normal child finds it all very amusing and is not damaged by it in the least, but that books like Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and The Wizard of Oz should not be allowed to circulate indiscriminately among adults who are undergoing analysis.

If only book banners thought the same way.

Summer WriMo

2006-06-01T15:17:00.000-07:00

Summer WriMo starts today. For those of you not in the know, Summer WriMo is like NaNoWriMo, only in summer, and much less organized. NaNoWriMo is when you write 50,000 words of a novel in a month. November, to be more specific. I did it last year and it was awesome.

I really, really want to do Summer WriMo, but circumstances may prevent it. I finished my final exams today, and I've had two hours and twenty minutes of summer vacation so far. Summer WriMo starts today, and I haven't even begun to think of a plot. In about a month I'm going to be off to Switzerland for two months, where I might not have computer access.

Who else is submitting to the torture of Summer WriMo?

Confessions of a Textbook Editor

2006-05-31T19:19:00.000-07:00

So this is why textbooks suck so much.

Lemony Snicket's suggestions for a safe summer.

2006-05-31T11:55:00.000-07:00

From this article:

"Mr. Snicket believes that summertime is such a dangerous season, what with sunburn and melted ice cream and the possibility of summer camp, that it's best to stay indoors and read," said Snicket's "representative," Daniel Handler, who still denies the overwhelming evidence that he is in fact the author of the million-selling Snicket books, "A Series of Unfortunate Events."

Excellent advice. Smart children should follow it. I know I will.

I've gotten waaaaaay behind on my Snicket reading, and I really need to catch up. I suppose that's what Summer is for.

I've always loved the drawings in the books, so I went to take a look at Brett Helquist's portfolio. The title page to his site had an image of my favorite Cricket magazine cover ever, which I've had taped to my bedroom wall for the last however-many years since it came out.

For some reason, I can't seem to find more of his work. Any links would be appreciated.

I did find this nice wallpaper, though.

Thisbe Nissen

2006-05-31T11:44:00.000-07:00

I've taken a class from ths woman. It was at the Iowa Young Writer's Workshop and she was awesome. She used giraffe metaphors that actually made sense.

(There was another guy in the class who used a lot of crazy metaphors. Cameras on bungee cords, etc. They made sense too, but they didn't have any giraffes.)

When I checked bookslut, this post caught my eye immediately.

Nancy Drew

2006-05-30T18:01:00.000-07:00

Bookshelves of doom has done two incredibly amusing reviews of Nancy Drew books: The Secret of the Old Clock and The Hidden Staircase. I don't know if there will be more, but I hope there will be. Someone needs to mock Nancy Sue.

I have vague memories of attempting to read the Nancy Drew books at some point in my childhood. I got sick of them pretty quickly.

I also used to have one of those Nancy-as-a-kid books. She had to solve the mystery of who stole someone's party invitations. This was before she moved onto death threats and henchmen.

The Folk Keeper

2006-05-30T16:30:00.001-07:00

This book is six kinds of good.

"I am small for my age," I said. "And weak. Moreover, I am clumsy and have a bad disposition."

Fifteen year old orphan Corinna Stonewall is a Folk Keeper for the village of Rhysbridge. It is her job to stay in the cellar and placate the Folk, malicious creatures who can rot plants, sour milk, hurt farm animals, and otherwise wreck havoc on a household if they are not satisfied. The job is dangerous, and Corinna must protect herself against the Folk with various charms -- bread, salt, iron nails, and scissors open to the shape of a cross, among other things.

Corinna has secrets. For one thing, she's a girl who has hidden her gender for four years in order to be a Folk Keeper. Her hair grows two inches every night, and she always knows the time.

A dying man comes and convinces her to be the Folk Keeper to the estate of Cliffsend, by the sea. At Cliffsend, Corinna befriends Finian, the son of the Lady Alicia. She also finds out more about herself and her past. The story is told as entries in Corinna's Folk Record, which also serves as her journal.

Corinna is fiercely independent. Power is important to her. Before she became Folk Keeper, she had a fairly nasty childhood, which she does dwell on too much. We only know that, as a girl, she had to do a lot of housework -- she refers to it as "drudgery" -- and she loathed it. Corinna is determined to not have to go back to it. Her philosophy can be fairly ruthless, but to her it seems perfectly natural.

"This must be your business," I said. "Discover what those around you love best. Then, if they forbid you from doing as you choose, you have a hold on them. You can threaten their dearest treasures."

Corinna also makes a point of taking revenge on people who anger her. I certainly wouldn't want to her as an enemy.

Franny Billingsley is very effective at using language. Corinna's personality comes across in the choice of words. There are some very beautiful descriptions, and the reader gets a very good picture of what it is like to be Corinna.

Inventive, original fantasy with complex characters and a strong, resourceful heroine. Highly recommended.

A random Terry Pratchett quote to brighten up your day.

2006-05-29T19:02:00.000-07:00

From Men at Arms, by Terry Pratchett.

. . . when you hit your thumb with an eight-pound hammer it's nice to be able to blaspheme. It takes a very special and strong-minded kind of atheist to jump up and down with their hand clasped under their other armpit and shout, "Oh, random fluctuations-in-the-space-time-continuum!" or "Aaargh, primitive-and-outmoded-concept on a crutch!

There's a good reason he's one of my favorite authors.

My reading list for this summer.

2006-05-29T16:44:00.000-07:00

This is the first summer in three years that I haven't spent in Mexico. My aunt lives in a tiny seaside town in Jalisco, and I usually spend about a month with her, during which time I do nothing but read and swim.

And I do read a lot. I keep track. All three times, I've managed more books than days. I'm just that good.

This time, I'm going to Switzerland to take French classes in Neuchâtel. I'm psyched. But I won't have as much time to read. Still, I'll squeeze it in there. I'm already starting to compile a list of books for my vacation reading.

A Princess of Roumania just got added to my list after I stumbled across a mention of it in Outpost Mâvarin.

My friend Amanda gushed to me about the incredibly specialness of Things My Girlfriend and I Have Argued About. She even quoted bits to me. I'm taking that as a sign that it's good. It sounds a lot like Kicking Dogs by Collin Piprell, only set in England instead of Bangkok.

Kicking Dogs is a very, very funny novel and I highly recommend it.

I also want to read Belle De Jour: Intimate Adventures of a London Call Girl. I can't find it here, and I think my chances are much better in Europe.

I have a copy of Perdido Street Station that I never finished reading. I definately have do do that. Every time I hear China Miéville's name it is accompanied by fangirlish squees of delight.

A few more Pratchetts. At this points I can honestly say that I've read most of the Discworld books, but there are a few I haven't quite got to yet.

I really need to read Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell. I started it once, but didn't have time for it and gave up.

I do love slash, so I need some on my summer reading list. I'm planning on reading At Swim, Two Boys. It's all literary and stuff.

I'm also planning on going back to the young adult and children's books I used to love so much. I've gotten very behind on my Georgia Nicholson reading, and I stopped reading Series of Unfortunate Events after the Slippery Slope. I loved both series and I'd like to get caught up on them.

There are some others I've heard about and would like to read. Kiki Strike sounds incredibly fun, and Bookshelves of Doom gave it a very favorable review.

Gilda Joyce, Psychic Investigator sounds interesting as well.

Of course, because I'm gone for two months, I can't take books out from the library. Time to go bargain-hunting on Amazon.

Suggestions are very much appreciated.

Fibs

2006-05-28T19:35:00.000-07:00

Some of the most amusing poetry I've ever read.

Thank you to Gregory K for the link.

Never judge a book by its movie, and vise versa.

2006-05-28T18:27:00.000-07:00

My local paper did a story that I found somewhat interesting: Why Do Trashy Novels Make Great Movies? (And why do the classics bomb?)

They came up with a long list of examples, and the only one I've seen both sides of is The Scarlet Letter, which I saw in English class. A tip to film makers: Yes, in real life, the baby probably would be crying. However, it is frickin' annoying to listen to. It's always a bad idea to give your viewers headaches.

The day before, they did another book related story. They even did two. Books are so popular in home decor that even people who don't read acquire them.

I don't pretend to understand it. What's the point of books you don't read?

I seem to recall Alec from Ellen Kushner's Swordspoint having something to say about that.

He took out a brown paper parcel and held it out to Alec. "A present. For you."

"What is it?" Alec made no move to take the package.

"Well, it's a book," Richard said, still holding it. "I thought you might like it."

[ . . . ]

Feeling a little awkward, he began undoing the brown paper himself. It released the rich smell of leather. The binding alone, Richard thought, was worth the price: burgundy leather with gold tooling, gilt edged pages; the book was as beautiful as a rug or a painting.

Alec's arm shot out: his hand closed on the book. "Felman's!" he gasped. "You got this at Felman's!"

"Well, yes. He's supposed to be good."

"Good . . . ," Alec said in strangled tones. "Richard, it's . . . he's . . . they're wall decorations for noblemen's libraries. He sells them by the inch: 'Do you have Birdbrain in red leather?' 'No, sir, but I have him in green.' 'Oh, no, that won't go with the rug.' 'Well, sir, I do have this lovely work on the mating habits of chickens in red. It's about the same size.' 'Oh, good, I'll take that one.'"

Richard laughed. Well, it is beautiful."

"Very," Alec said dryly. "You could wear it to Chapel. I don't suppose you know what it's about?"

How do I love thee, Alec? Let me count the ways.

The Rainbow Fish

2006-05-28T15:09:00.000-07:00

I stumbled across this fairly awful book for the first time in my life a few hours ago. To summarize: Rainbow fish has pretty scales but won't share them. The other fish ostracize him because he's a jerk. An octopus tells him to give out his scales. Soon, he only has one pretty scale left, but he looks like everyone else and they all like him. Conformity makes everyone like you!

I'd sure as hell be nice to anyone who gave me bits of their skin. That sounds like painful shit.

I poked around blogger to see what everyone else thought.

I found this poem that summarizes the book very well, and is also incredibly amusing.

I also found this scathing review of the book, claiming that The Rainbow Fish is Marxist propaganda.

Communist propaganda isn't always a bad thing. My favorite childhood book was The Three Fat Men, by Yuri Olesha. Mind you, I'm a flaming liberal, but so is the rest of my family. I would have ended up like this anyway.

Not enough time to read?

2006-05-27T16:57:00.000-07:00

Book-a-minute to the rescue!

I particularly love the condensed version of Interview with a Vampire. I wonder how long before Anne Rice sees it and throws a hissy fit.

Sir Apropos and the Puns

2006-05-27T15:46:00.000-07:00

I'm currently reading Tong Lashing by Peter David. It's the third book in the Sir Apropos of Nothing trilogy, and I like it quite a bit, despite the terrible puns.

And the puns are terrible. Anaïs Ninjas, Skang Kei Ho, Chinpan Ali, etc.

I recall, from my Xanth-loving days, that Piers Anthony also loves puns. He uses puns from readers. Combined with bad dialogue, cardboard characters, and the recycled plots, they are obnoxious. There is a reason why my Xanth-loving days are in the past.

I like the Sir Apropos trilogy because the humor doesn't depend entirely on the puns. The books spoof clichéd fantasy very deftly. Apropos, the narrator, is very cynical and witty, and he does have a knack for getting himself into interesting situations.

The series is not without its problems. Apropos is an anti-hero, and he is a jerk. He can be hard to sympathize with.

Of course, that doesn't stop me from finding him obscenely sexy.

Reason for bloggery.

2006-05-27T15:27:00.000-07:00

I love to read.

Blogs are the cool thing to do right now.

Thus, this blog.